My dear diary, I have missed you very much. I have unfinished logs that need to come here, but today, I feel like this one needs to be shared and will make me feel better. Anyway, I am glad I am here now at this moment in November 2024 when my hand twitched and tremored a little bit, and the floods of emotions came through me. I remembered how, on this day in 2016, I was struggling and learning things I could do, such as walking and writing again after the successful brain surgery that left me partially paralyzed. So, today, my emotions are through the roof. I read a friend of mine’s post on Linkedn on how she gifted people she holds dear and who saved her life a trip to the coast and another one who penned a deep conversation and spoke about suicide not being a one-day decision, and it brought me a flood of emotions.
Every year, these two months (October/ November) have always been a struggle with memories of the past and are sometimes debilitating. I remember in 2016, October 6th, the day I got the brain surgery done, to November, a month that was filled with so many difficulties. I was learning how to write, type, and walk again. These two months were challenging with a little child who is dependent on me and me struggling to survive and live. After months of battling suicidal ideation because of the anti-seizure medication effects where, one of the many side effects is depression and thoughts of death. So, 8 years later, today is heavy. I am happy and sad simultaneously. My memories came flooding through, and my brain could not handle them, so writing and talking to my doctor helped as well. Have I called him NO why? Because I do not want to alarm him, he says I am one of the best success stories among the many patients he has helped. So here I am, my diary pouring out to you this morning because you helped me a lot during these moments. I have been jotting down entries, and one of the ones that has brought me so much joy this time is my conversations with my 8-year-old, who saved my life and just discovered what periods are.
Anyway, I am here to share how I feel after the floodgates of emotions threw me off this morning. I have accepted that these two months will always be a struggle for me, and as much as they symbolise life, they also symbolise struggle and resilience. I will never forget them as the most challenging months of 2016. It’s 8 years later, and I have accepted memories will crepe in at times and steal a little bit of joy from me that will last for minutes, hours or days. It is how I respond to what I am feeling, and today, I have acknowledged them and reminded myself of the many tasks I have called out my name. So yes, it has been a minute with you, diary. Thank you for reminding me to come here and talk to you through this writing. So, as I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks, I am glad that the tears are of joy and sadness at the same time. The joy that I survived 8 years ago and I am here and a little bit of sadness that my brain has not forgotten and brings these memories from time to time, which is so much inconveniencing. But here I am, standing at the crossroads of memory and gratitude, wearing my battle scars like a crown and my tears like jewels. Eight years ago, I was relearning life; today, I’m reclaiming it and living it. The storms come and go, but like the tides, I rise every time, stubborn, fierce, and full of grace. I’m endlessly thankful for my family, who held it down for me when I couldn’t, and to my little one, whose light and love gave me the strength to push on. My dear diary, thank you for holding my floods, my fears, and my triumphs. If life insists on throwing these curveballs, let it. I’ve got my gloves on and a front-row seat to my own masterpiece. Here’s to resilience, messy emotions, and daring to live fully.
Back to my many tasks today, this felt so amazing and looking forward to sharing about menstruation and periods as my daughter keeps on talking about it now.
Thank you
Lots of Love
Wambui
Unfiltered 